Posted by mrhorrible on:
I wrote this a few years ago while on a cruise. I will serialize it for everybody's edification and amusement. (I hope)
This is dedicated to... all of you carbon-based life forms, wherever and whenever you may be, and most especially to-
Geno, Robyn, Rita, Fred, Steve, Pam, Camilla, and of course Isa, I love you all, you are the reason that this experience has any fun in it. I could be IN JAIL with you guys and it would be fun. Not to mention the other people that are here, every one. You are all precious to me, and I thank the Creator for the fact that the human experience includes all of you, especially the kids. Yes, even Certain People that have chosen, as I have chosen, to have this human experience together. This life wouldn’t be the same without ALL OF YOU! Let’s get that straight, right from the beginning, so you don’t think that this screed is TOO serious. I wouldn’t miss a single kvetch, a single fart, a single quarrel, and especially a single hug. This ‘article’, if it can be called that, is dedicated to you all.
Today, Rita’s B’day, I got up at 4 AM ‘cause I couldn’t sleep, walked out the door and found it decorated wiith birthday streamers, I suspect Nicole, thank you Nicole, you may be loud but your heart is 24 karat gold! and wandered around the boat (yes, BOAT and too bad if you don’t find my nautical terms ‘right') and finally ended up in some lounge called “Olive and Twist” up on deck 15, around 5 AM, I think, and watched the sun come up. It’s got the best Indoor view I’ve found, the air is freezing, outside it’s like a steam room. The sky and clouds are incredible, and a faraway star glimmered until a few min ago. The music in here is repulsive, so-called ‘cool’ jazz, I suppose, meandering, pointless bull that unfortunately makes this lounge less attractive, MUCH less attractive, but I guess that it’s ‘drinking music’ or something, to make people even more bored so they’ll drink more.
So now it’s 6:32 AM and I don’t iunderstand why sunRISES are so under-rated. The first few civilians are wandering around; when I got up there were only crew up, washing down the decks with pressure washers. Some geek has gone around the deck jogging now about four times. The comedian last night was very good, I went in expecting the usual stuff and ended up guffawing. One thing he said I liked a lot, about “Don’t pretend that you’re going to work out so here just because you’re here, you’re FAT, baby, and you ain’t going to lose it anytime soon, or even the week that you’re on this boat”
The sun is peeking through a low band of clouds. The lady who has joined me in the lounge has incredible native American jewelry (Aren’t I politically correct? After all, I do play Indian music, so I HAVE to say ‘Native American. Wait a second... aren’t all people born in the North American Continent ‘Native Americans’? That’s what ‘native’ means, ‘born in’ .
What a sunrise! Really spectacular! The sun is well up, the ‘windjammer’ (Don’t you love these nautical terms that they call things on cruise ships? I expect the public address system to come out with something nautical such as “Shiver me timbers!’ or “Keelhaul the forecastle!” or “Splice the main brace!” every few minutes) is hopefully open so I can get some fluids, and the puter (I like calling it that, it rerminds me of a rude spanish word) is running out of juice. I fold now, but will return. This is The Ultimate Reality, signing off. Spectacular view, big freighter coming towards us, and more joggers. The ship is waking up.
Same day, later, after morning nap, lunch, and afternoon nap. Had a little conversation with my laptop. What, you don't talk to things? Never had a conversation with an inanimate object? well, I do. the latest one went a little like this:
"OK, OK! you’re not IT! Oh, you’re ‘She” now! Oh, you were always ‘She’, I just wasn’t perceptive enough to realize this! Boy, don’t tell me that computers are inanimate! Oh, I see! you’ll crash your hard drive if I keep referring to you disrespectfully, is that it? Are you serious? You’re telling me now that your name is “Rita”? Oh, you happen to LIKE that name! YES, your highness! From now on you’re Rita! And just what shall I tell the other Rita when she asks me why there are TWO Ritas in the house? Oh, YOU’re going to tell her? Good luck! She may wipe your hard drive herself! Oh, I see, she’ll lose essential data? You’ll lose the pictures of Max? And I have to stop referring to you as a machine? you’re sleek, elegant, and dependable? All right, all right, I won’t call you a puter! How about ‘puter, with an apostrophe? better? not much? what do you mean “I have an infantile sense of humor?” Listen baby, (OK, OK, Rita; this is going to be fun) don’t get snippy with me, or I’ll turn the other Rita loose on you, and she’ll initialize your hard drive herself! SHE WOULDN’T DARE? Obviously you don’t know her very well. And I am NOT shouting. See? lower case. No, I was just being clear. YOU were shouting.
I’m an aquarian, so I have to use lots of parentheses; that’s because my mind works on many levels at once. So I’ll be talking about something (Nicole came in to get her hair done; it turned out that her dress needed a stitch or two, and knowing that Rita is a seamstress she came over for the stitch. Turns out that the stitch was actually a whole sewing job that requires a machine and a tailor to run it, so she will have to walk carefully, REAL carefully.) She did the surfing thing (There’s a place on the ship where very pressurized water is forced out in a cool upward-going shape that resembles a wave) and sort of fell out of her bathing suit, “Making the day” she said, “Of some guys that happened to be watching.” Maybe I’ll wander up there and spend an hour or two... actually I think that there’s guys that go there just for that. I haven’t seen such an assortment of figures in a while. Hopefully the walking pyramid won’t try to surf... and hopefully Nicole will trip on the dress, thus bestowing another show on the assembled travelers.
Continued when I come back from Timbuktu, or Mongolia, or wherever I go when I need a break.