Posted by mrhorrible on:
people of Earth; this is a message from your new overlords.
We have arrived to "set your house in order".
We have reluctantly decided that we must step in to help you straighten your planet out, so we are taking the following steps;
First of all, we are removing all of your nuclear weapons. "Ordinary people" won't hear about this right away, because the "powers that be" want to keep it a secret in order to keep your fear alive. But rest assured; every nuclear weapon on your planet has had its fissile components turned into canine excrement as of right now.
Further, any attempt to make more nuclear weapons will result in the components being turned into canine excrement as soon as our infinitely sensitive detectors see you trying to do this. We're sorry to take these weapons away from you, but you are simply too irresponsible and immature as a race to keep these.
Nuclear power will also be unavailable very soon. We will wait until late spring to put this into effect, because we don't want anybody to get cold; we suggest that you look into German technology that offers houses that are almost completely energy neutral. We think you'll find it especially amusing to see your nuclear power plants rising into the sky and proceeding towards the edges of your solar system. When we feel that they are far enough away that you will not be endangered by gamma rays, we will put on a splendid fireworks display so that you can feel that your money was not wasted completely.
In the months ahead, anything that depends on explosions, such as guns and all weapons that use explosions will be eliminated. Our technology can detect such high-speed explosions and suppress them. Guns will still be useful, as paper weights. It's back to bows and arrows and good old swords for you. You can still kill, so don't worry; your bloodlust can still find its expression. You just won't be able to kill quite so freely. We're sorry for any inconvenience this may cause you, and we realize that it's always hard to deal with new realities such as this, but in a generation or two you'll get over it.
Our ban on explosions also takes another form; your love affair with internal combustion engines is going to stop. For the first month of our residency here, we will stop internal combustion engines from working for a minute every day. The next month, it will be two minutes. This will occur at random times. We suggest you start converting to electric engines as soon as possible to avoid any delay, since the more humorously inclined among us may turn gasoline engines off completely for days on end. We won't let them start that, however, for at least a year. Hopefully. Have fun. sorry about NASCAR; races with electric cars will not be quite as loud as with internal combustion engines, but we're sure the you can make them just as fast and exciting.
Certain chemicals are also going to be banned; this includes a few of your more popular pesticides, including dioxin-based pesticides. We realize that this will present a temporary inconvenience for factory farms especially, but we are of the opinion that the slack will be picked up by home gardeners.
Entertainment that glorifies killing will no longer be amusing. Unfortunately, we will have to use a little bit of mind control to help you get over that particular addiction, but we promise that it won't hurt a bit. No, really, there'll be no pain; in fact it will feel good. and it will feel equally good to joyously let go of some of your most negative superstitions, especially when you realize that they are not based on reality. We are, of course, talking about some of your quaint ideas concerning so-called "spirituality". Although some of those ideas are positive, others are outmoded. We will help you to move beyond those that are not life-affirming.
We hope to have you ready to join civilization within about 30 years. By then, the money that you will have saved by not engaging in conflict will have enabled you to revamp your educational system, your infrastructure, your healthcare system, and many other life-positive pursuits.
Have a nice day; this is a directive from the galactic overlords, signing out.